Thursday, June 25, 2009

There is no future in growing up

Got up early this morning so I could blog before riding to Denver. This has gotten to be quite an addiction. I have been journaling for sometime but this type of writing is different almost decadent. I have spell check and have folks getting back with me with thoughts, opinions and I think I have found a small niche in my mind for this. Even my art work has changed because of bloggin'. Less thought process, more thought provoking. Less spinning, more spontenaity. Sort of the last little tick mark on my list of letting myself be vulnerable and open.Who knew it would take all these years to finally become comfortable in my own skin? I should known and here's why. When my daughter was in her late teens, my Mother warned me that my child would not be grown until she was 30 because she was an only child and was firmly attacted to me because I was so "silly". My Mom used to hate it when I made people laugh. I think she took it personal and I know she "didn't get it". One time at a slumber party, she actually had to leave the room and have my older sister take over watching us because she couldn't take my monlogues on stuff. Poor Mom, she pooped on many a party in my time. Mom on the other hand was quite proud of herself because she "knew when to let her children grow-up" . Bless her heart, she may have known when and how but I sure didn't. I always vowed, I would never grow up. Me and Peter. At age 12, I remember hanging with the neighborhood herd of kids, laying on the grass, looking up in the stars. We were making wishes for when we were grown ups and I said I would never forget what it felt like to be 12 because I wanted to be fair to kids. And years later when I was working with kids, I told them my story and anytime some new kid would ask how old I was or say that I was a grown up, the others would say, "no, Linda's still 12". Well, I had no idea that I had cursed myself on that summer evening with that knowledge and that stage of development forever. Must have been one hellova wishing star. It was very powerful back then and still is today. I can almost still feel and smell the wet grass and see the streetlight lighting my best friend and see her braces sparkling like sequins. There is no future in growing up. I don't know where I read that statement but it is true. The hard part is getting it all sorted out. Grown up, growing up.....nah it's the letting go.