Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Hello, I'm afraid I've received the wrong delivery today....





Every morning I wake up and am glad for the doing of it.

I mean it is better (maybe) than the alternative. I stretch, hoping for no charlie horses in my calves (farm animals early in the morning are not fun) and try to direct my thoughts as to how I must get my chores, obligations done and what fun I will have with the grands and Sweet Man.

On the days I get the kiddos ready for school, I already know what to expect. But this winter break crapee (french spelling), well let's just say not.

Today I got the wrong children delivered.

You see every morning, the celestial milkman brings me my grands wrapped in warm pink skin, happy and ready to hit the dusty.

Today, I got some snarky little beasties with no brains. I figure that the old inventory just sits on the shelves at the celestial dairy and here at the end of the year, well there a little soured and rancid. I will certainly suggest they do an inventory control and check the expiration dates after this mornings happenings.

Ry forgot his brain back at the storage facility. When I told him that he could have pancakes and then go outside to play in the tiny bit of snow we got and that he needed to go get dressed. What I got was a little boy with his clothes and coat on, no shoes or socks as he sat down to eat. I explained that he needed to put his coat next to the door and while I was making him the biggest pancake he had ever eaten that he needed to get his own glass of water.

The next thing I heard was.....I need a little help here, as the water is pouring down the front of the cabinet and onto the floor. He had swiveled the faucet nozzle over the counter top and apparently had forgotten how to turn the handle to the off position. While I went to rescue the boy from drowning, the pancake burnt to a replica of the Great Chicago fire. Mrs. O'Leary would have been proud.

In the meantime, I hear from across the room, Gosh Ry, why didn't you turn the water off. This from his more than lazy ass sister who is calmly playing with her DS which by the way stands for dumb shit and that is exactly what it makes your child too. When asked why she could not or did not help with her brother's predicament? Well I thought you handled it just fine Oma. Thanks, dumb shit.

Sweet Man came in for breakfast wanting to know what all the hubbub was about. Oh no he didn't. Why yes, he did. Like because I was the loudest I was the wrongest. Oh come on, it's fair. They will be stronger humans for being brow beaten on Winter Break. They will have more to tell their therapists, and guidance counselors and great stories round my wake. Both of the kids were laughing because, well as close as I can figure it, I am at my most amusing while in process of losing my mind. Or as DSGK said we're laughing on the outside, getting ready to run on the inside.

Nice mouth, I wonder where she got that filthy habit?

They are currently outside making nasty mud laced snow balls and having a great time flinging them at the dogs and at each other. They have also invented a new way to torture the dogs by using a badminton racket and making it snow from clumps directly on the soggy dogs. Aren't they cute?????????????? Perfume of the gods, wet dog.

The best thing is that they are safe because I am inside blogging to you. There's safety in Oma's obsession.

ps do you see what those drugs Willow has to take do to a St. Bernard????? She just lays around the snow and waits for a call for help (yodeling and monk robes swishing in the background for effect). Sweet Man has started calling her Fat Elvis, poor dog and no I do not fix her fried banana and PB sandwiches, it's the phenobarbital, I tell ya. But just to be safe, I'm keeping her out of the bathroom.

10 comments:

  1. you my dear are too funny... I see you got your snow... has it all passed or is more expected... I am eagerly awaiting to see if it gives us any.... should know by tomorrow... by the way... grandkids love it when the gran goes nuts.... always better than mom and tons more funny..... enjoy them... wish mine were near....

    ReplyDelete
  2. Your grandkids are the cutest! How gorgeous they are! Of course I bet they use it when they're naughty... LOL Loved your dog, he's so beautiful!

    And loved the way you tell your stories, I have to laugh!

    Kisses from Nydia.

    ReplyDelete
  3. "Merry Xmas to you and yours, and to all the DS's in the world, a good night!!!" lol

    Kiss Fatty for me...lol...we have 2 real porky girls due to their meds...but what's my excuse?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Mother Moon: We got a little bit more but I have a feeling this is as good as it will get before Christmas. I do know what you mean about missing grands. Two years was hard. I complain but I am so blessed to have them here.

    Lucy and Dick: She is the most St. Bernard we have had. Through the years 4 of the stubborn, hairy beasts have been our leaders.

    Nydia: Thanks for the compliment on the kiddos. Yeah, I think they are pretty cute too. Kisses right back at you.

    Penniwig: Merry Xmas back atcha. As a matter of fact I think we should toast all the DS's in the world. And I can only speak for myself...I went past porky many moons ago. My excuse is....well hell, I don't have one.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You were delivered the wrong ones!!

    Oh you poor dear girl...are you going to keep them or swap them in the sales for something better?

    They seem so sweet and lovely...maybe I'd keep them...maybe...

    Would you like a piece of my Gingerbread House children...?

    (You are a scream...literally!...I love your posts!)

    ReplyDelete
  6. DS and fat Elvis? I hope Pooldad gifted me a new laptop because this one has orange juice all over it - thank you so much for the laugh, whew I needed that. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Celia: Anytime you'd like to "borrow" the little ones for a good game of Handsel and Gretel, just let me know. It'd do un good.

    SkippyMom: Sorry about the laptop. And I meant what I said about the old broad shoulder. It's on reserve for you anytime.

    ReplyDelete
  8. MERRY CHRISTMAS, Linda!
    ♥ audrey

    ReplyDelete
  9. Awe, they look so sweet! Surely Granma is telling lies!!! Wishing you a very Blessed Christmas, my friend. Love, Deb

    ReplyDelete

I love to hear from you. Thanks for taking the time to comment.