Thank you for caring, sharing and comiserating with me about Ry's issues. You are wonderful people, with kind, loving spirits and I am thrilled to call you friends. I don't deserve you but will take your blessing in my life anyway.
I have always been a bit of a pessimist. And a fatalist and myopic.
I lived so long with an untold, unresolved, unknown offense to my soul that when I finially had my ugly ah ha experience I was 55 years old. Until that time I had so many anger issues. It seemed as though I was a bright spirit one moment and then I was back in the darkness. And quite frankly, I had repressed these uglies so long that other minor offenses became huge drama inducing episodes. When I finally came out of the darkness into the darkness for real.........I was scared to death. Wanted to be dead. Begged life to let go of me so that I could not feel, because at that moment it was harder than I thought I could bear.
After my Mother, the keeper of all the secrets died, I was raw and that's when "it" came into focus. I too was molested as a child. I knew it but I didn't know it. I know that probably doesn't make any sense but because my Mother wanted all of us to "not be ugly" to use her phrase, we never, ever dealt with any of it or anything else of substance. After she was gone, women in my family started coming out of the woodwork to tell me.......why me....yeah the universe was speaking loudly sports fans, that my father had molested them.
Light bulb moment. As I listened to their stories of horror, little blisters of memories started forming. Not all the picture but things that had been in dreams, snippets, flashes, puzzle pieces, slow motion rememberings. Little by little, day by day, month after month, until after much work and tears, the picture formed and I was numb. It made sense why my Mother was so jealous of all women including her children, why she was ashamed of us as a family, why they as a couple never kept friends for long, why the neighbors avoided us, why, why, why and it goes on forever.
I told you in a post not long ago that I found him (father) up to his old ways, trying to molest GK. And I am serious that within 24 hours he was in an assisted living facility. He had made life a living hell for me and so many others, it was a kindness in my mind to have him out of the way so I wouldn't kill him and have to go to prison.
This all happened at about the same time. Neighbor women called and asked me to keep him in the house or a closer watch on him, people at my Mother's funeral asking me to do something about my Dad. This caused huge problems with his side of the family because, they are Northern New Mexico Spanish related royalty (yeah in their dreams) and never would that be the case with anyone in their family. Except, years earlier, he had alienated 2 brothers because he had hit on their wives and got caught. DUH. But we were not allowed to talk or question or address any issues so long as Mother was here.
Well the shit hit the fan about 5 months after her passing. Rather than having to deal with all their stuff, I signed everything except the house over to the "aunts" so they could handle his affairs. Serves them right because they had to move him several times because he would "misbehave" and cause problems for the other residents. But he was there concern, not mine.
Talk about guilt. Misplaced maybe. Real yes. I threw my father, the bastard, away and he died alone. There it is out there for all to know. I don't feel like I made the wrong decision when I saved GK from that fate but still it's there. My ugliness, as best as I can recollect lasted about 8 years. My sister's (she was 10 when my Mother married the perv) lasted about 2 years and was why she got married so young and moved out of the house.
So when I tell you that I am heart broken that an adult took advantage of my sweetest little man Ry, I need you to know, I can feel his pain. But in no way do I think that this is about me. I wanted you to know my story too, because of my very non Linda response yesterday. I needed to let go of some of this left over venom which this "ugly" has stirred in me. Sorry for the heavy subject matter.
Ry hasn't verbalized it yet, and he may never be able to say who (but I have my thoughts and I would enter this man in a crash dumbie substitution situation or better yet let him help me with speed bump practice anytime, and you know who you are, D). Right now Ry is just working out with toys, puppet dramas, drawings (they are scarey stuff) etc with his counselor but Ms. Claire is the most wonderful woman on the face of the planet, sent by the universe to make Ry's passage from hurt to healed much easier for him and us.
Thank each of you for your encouragement for us, his family to be there for him. Your kind words were another reason I dared share this with you. In some ways you said the things I wish in my little girl heart and soul, I had heard when I needed it so badly. In some ways you have "mothered" me, so that I can be who I know I am and can be for Ry, GK, Shelley and SM.
You my lovelies are a blessing.