Friday, January 15, 2010

An explanation

Thank you for caring, sharing and comiserating with me about Ry's issues. You are wonderful people, with kind, loving spirits and I am thrilled to call you friends. I don't deserve you but will take your blessing in my life anyway.

I have always been a bit of a pessimist. And a fatalist and myopic.

I lived so long with an untold, unresolved, unknown offense to my soul that when I finially had my ugly ah ha experience I was 55 years old. Until that time I had so many anger issues. It seemed as though I was a bright spirit one moment and then I was back in the darkness. And quite frankly, I had repressed these uglies so long that other minor offenses became huge drama inducing episodes. When I finally came out of the darkness into the darkness for real.........I was scared to death. Wanted to be dead. Begged life to let go of me so that I could not feel, because at that moment it was harder than I thought I could bear.

After my Mother, the keeper of all the secrets died, I was raw and that's when "it" came into focus. I too was molested as a child. I knew it but I didn't know it. I know that probably doesn't make any sense but because my Mother wanted all of us to "not be ugly" to use her phrase, we never, ever dealt with any of it or anything else of substance. After she was gone, women in my family started coming out of the woodwork to tell me.......why me....yeah the universe was speaking loudly sports fans, that my father had molested them.

Light bulb moment. As I listened to their stories of horror, little blisters of memories started forming. Not all the picture but things that had been in dreams, snippets, flashes, puzzle pieces, slow motion rememberings. Little by little, day by day, month after month, until after much work and tears, the picture formed and I was numb. It made sense why my Mother was so jealous of all women including her children, why she was ashamed of us as a family, why they as a couple never kept friends for long, why the neighbors avoided us, why, why, why and it goes on forever.

I told you in a post not long ago that I found him (father) up to his old ways, trying to molest GK. And I am serious that within 24 hours he was in an assisted living facility. He had made life a living hell for me and so many others, it was a kindness in my mind to have him out of the way so I wouldn't kill him and have to go to prison.

This all happened at about the same time. Neighbor women called and asked me to keep him in the house or a closer watch on him, people at my Mother's funeral asking me to do something about my Dad. This caused huge problems with his side of the family because, they are Northern New Mexico Spanish related royalty (yeah in their dreams) and never would that be the case with anyone in their family. Except, years earlier, he had alienated 2 brothers because he had hit on their wives and got caught. DUH. But we were not allowed to talk or question or address any issues so long as Mother was here.

Well the shit hit the fan about 5 months after her passing. Rather than having to deal with all their stuff, I signed everything except the house over to the "aunts" so they could handle his affairs. Serves them right because they had to move him several times because he would "misbehave" and cause problems for the other residents. But he was there concern, not mine.

Talk about guilt. Misplaced maybe. Real yes. I threw my father, the bastard, away and he died alone. There it is out there for all to know. I don't feel like I made the wrong decision when I saved GK from that fate but still it's there. My ugliness, as best as I can recollect lasted about 8 years. My sister's (she was 10 when my Mother married the perv) lasted about 2 years and was why she got married so young and moved out of the house.

So when I tell you that I am heart broken that an adult took advantage of my sweetest little man Ry, I need you to know, I can feel his pain. But in no way do I think that this is about me. I wanted you to know my story too, because of my very non Linda response yesterday. I needed to let go of some of this left over venom which this "ugly" has stirred in me. Sorry for the heavy subject matter.

Ry hasn't verbalized it yet, and he may never be able to say who (but I have my thoughts and I would enter this man in a crash dumbie substitution situation or better yet let him help me with speed bump practice anytime, and you know who you are, D). Right now Ry is just working out with toys, puppet dramas, drawings (they are scarey stuff) etc with his counselor but Ms. Claire is the most wonderful woman on the face of the planet, sent by the universe to make Ry's passage from hurt to healed much easier for him and us.

Thank each of you for your encouragement for us, his family to be there for him. Your kind words were another reason I dared share this with you. In some ways you said the things I wish in my little girl heart and soul, I had heard when I needed it so badly. In some ways you have "mothered" me, so that I can be who I know I am and can be for Ry, GK, Shelley and SM.

You my lovelies are a blessing.

15 comments:

  1. Holy crap, Linda, I'm sooo sorry to read such a horrific experience. Jeez, lady, this guy needs to have his balls shoved up his arse!!!! My God, this is terrible, beyond words. Please call me if you need an ear to bend and a little bit of distraction...or I'll just call you.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you, my dear friend.
    Love ya,
    G

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  2. Oh Linda, I wish I could put my arms around you and make everything go away for a while.
    You are so brave for telling us what has happened, not only to Ry but to yourself.
    Darling, both of you deserve so much better.
    I will continue to pray for you and your family. You will be in my thoughts and prayers always.
    Blessings,
    Teri

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  3. I am sorry to hear all you have gone through, but commend you for having the courage to speak about it. That is a huge part of the healing process. You are a brave woman.
    Mary

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  4. So sorry you had to live through such an awful experience. It is so hard when parents have to hide the elephant in the living room and not talk about it. It makes it so much harder on kids - I try to tell myself that my mother and father's generation had a harder time being open with family secrets as it was not as accepted then, then I think that is a bunch of hooey also. It is good for Ry that the family is getting help and willing to talk about it, that will help him more than anything besides lots of love. I really believe that what goes around, comes around and those that need punished will get theirs!

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  5. Linda,
    You and your wonderful GK will be in my prayers and thoughts. You my dear are very brave and I commend you. Stay strong.
    alice

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  6. Linda, you know english is not my first language and I feel a bit frustrated not being able to express myself the way I would like to .
    Therefore I will make it simple;
    from my heart to your heart...LOVE!
    I´m your friend and long lost daughter in Europe!
    Love
    Becky

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  7. Misplaced guilt? Your father deserved to die alone. No question.

    I hurt for you that he did this to you and that you, somehow, feel guilty [they do that don't they? like it's our fault] Please know that you should never feel bad about anything you did to/for him. He really did deserve it.

    I get weary of people saying we have to love our parents because they are our parents [or sisters/brothers]. Some people aren't worthy of my love and although I forgive them for their misdeeds [ha! isn't that a simple word] I will never love, honor nor cherish them. And I don't feel guilty about it. I know, by being shown, just who is worthy. And I choose them. [Rambly much Skip?]

    I am glad you are there for Ry and the rest of the grands - they are lucky children to have such a wonderful Grandma in their corner.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you sweetheart. Let me know if you need anything.

    Now I need to go and stop crying.

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  8. Ah, dearie, you still have a lot of work to do. COME ON, *you* did not do something awful, you did not throw away your dad and make him die alone, that's just the past hanging onto your mind, didn't HE cause his own terrible problems AND darken others' lives??? YOU were not the one acting bad and evil in any way...he's lucky you didn't shoot him, good grief...

    I so hate these stupid family secrets, tell it to the world, my dear, and smash the awfulness of this mindset to smithereens -- NO MORE SECRETS -- OPEN the windows, OPEN the doors, OUT THEY GO...a "told" secret is a BROKEN and WEAKENED secret and that's half the battle.

    Sorry for the disjointed response, just in a tizzy at what you have suffered.

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  9. I am so sorry that you and Ry have had such horrific experiences, but there is so much bravery and strength apparent in the two of you for coming out and facing it that I know you and your family will heal.

    You are all in my thoughts. Many blessings to all of you.

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  10. Each one of you lovelies is AWESOME. I don't have the words to say anything but I feel so loved and blessed beyond me wildest dreams and for that I will forever be thankful.

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  11. I am so sorry that you had to experience that. It is so far from my childhood, that it always boggles my mind how it happens and my heart bleeds for you and the millions of other who have had this happen.

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  12. My heart goes to you and all the children and adults of the world that some "bastard" be either male or female has damaged in such a way. Do not feel guilty, ugly or anything else negatitive you are an angel.

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  13. ~it takes an enormous amount of strength to go back and revisit a path not so welcoming...to relive those moments as you are writing...i commend you for facing what has happened and not running away from the reality of it and as each day goes by your heart will feel less of the pain and sorrow...you truly are an amazing woman and your family so very blessed to have you to lean on...thank you for such a sincere raw post...sometimes are lives are not always pretty and when we are able to be aware of those moments that are causing ugliness to arise we can learn to STOP them right away...as YOU did...brightest blessings and many prayers for time and healing for all of you~

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  14. Linda my dear.... how I do love you... As Mary said, the fact that you are talking and expressing your feelings in all this is a very good thing. My heart goes out to you in the telling of your story. I know how hard it can be to acutally speak and tell others the family secrets. Yet I also know how releasing it can be... and each time it is done beleive me it only gets better. Your decisions with your father are your choice and no one should or could condem you for them. Such actions usually deserve much worse recourse than is ever given to them. It has always amazed me the number of individuals who are never punished at least here for the tragic things they do to a child. Fortunately one always gets what one deserves even if we do not see it in our lives or our eyes.

    My heart and hugs are with you in all this... Hang in there... As I have said before and will always say... Ry is so lucky to have a granma like you... a true blessing

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  15. My Good Lord, NO ONE should have to deal with such horrific things. All I can say is that I believe it is good that you have talked about this ~ you know it is over and done with ~ you know it is not your fault! You are getting on with your life, you are a good person, a wonderful grandmother and you deserve to be happy!!
    As for those who inflicted this pain in your life and the lives of your family ~ let God deal with them.
    I will keep you and your family in my prayers, Linda.
    ♥ audrey

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