Wednesday, November 21, 2012
And so much more to be thankful for..................
Before I run headlong into my subject of the day....let me first wish each and everyone of you a wonderful Thanksgiving. Whether you are going to sit in front of the TV enjoying a game, at a restaurant and have someone else cook, or have a herd of folks in to eat, drink and be merry......I hope it is the best Thanksgiving ever. I love you all and are so thankful for each of you.
So, after last post and my terrible attitude confession, things, as they always do, have started to improve.
You notice I did not use the word better.....I happen to hate that word. I'm not getting better because I also don't want to get worse. Improvement on the other hand can be in tiny baby steps or giant leaps of joy and so I choose "improve" to describe my mood.
So many of you were so very kind and sent me your addresses so that I could rebuild my addy book. For that, I am eternally grateful. I know that I should have inputted the info in the computer a very long time ago, and was beating myself up for not having done so when....my new computer showed me who is really in charge and just shut down. I thought it crashed, but I was incorrect and slightly hysterical. Seems that if an update to the security system has not installed, the cranky computer just takes a nap until it feels like playing again. And this is how is it. Hmmmmmm, maybe the computer has the right attitude.
Anyway, I am well on my way to a new addy book, my computer is full of "update" so it is doing okay and I'm seeing some light that is not colored the deep icky green I see when I am defunkatated.
It's hard to explain depression to someone who isn't, hasn't or denies they ever have been. Most of you know funk in one form or another and so I know I am preaching to the choir. Thanks for your concern and comments of love and hope. Time is the best medicine I have going for me. In time, I will "improve" and so will my mood.
My depression cycle is something to be thankful for. HUH? What are you talking about is running a muck in your head right now I'm sure. So, I'll elaborate. I'm thankful because at least my depression doesn't come out of nowhere. It is very persistently hammering it's way in one direction or the other. Either I am marching toward the abyss or skipping back from my visit to the abyss. I'm the like tide, I ebb and flow. The flat ground is lasting longer than either the climb or descent and I am thankful.
I used to have migraines as well. They too ran in cycles. I have one every once in awhile now but mostly just the aura that used to signal the pain. Now the aura just lets me know I need to close my eyes and be still. It's like that with the depression too. I need to take a 4 or 5 week nap and then come out and be kind and loving again. Unfortunately, there isn't the time for that sort of personal pampering so I act out my manias like every other sufferer that I know with ranting, spewing and self condemnation. The grands no longer take any of my ickiness personally and that too is a something to be thankful for. Joe and Shelley know before I do when the "hard times" are coming and adjust not only their behavior towards me but also give me space to work on just holding it together. And that's the biggie to be thankful for.
I haven't been on the road to the abyss at the holidays in quite a few years....and for that I was thankful. But it's gonna be a different kind of Thanksgiving this year. I'm grasping for any and all things that show me why I should be grateful. Mostly, I'm hoping for improvement and thankful when I grab some.
I took anti depressants two different times and it is the only time in my life I was sure there was a devil and it was called medication. I don't do well on anything that takes my control away or for that matter makes me lose my hair and ache in places I didn't know I had those places. So I drop back fifteen yards and punt. I have tried many different "remedies" and at this stage of the game am pretty sure that softening the edges is about as good as it gets. I sure wish that included margaritas but alcohol makes it all worse, damn.
But despite the funk, I'll pull myself up to the table tomorrow and enjoy my family and try to maintain until it is time to push myself away from the table and nap......these are the jokes people.
Have a Happy Turkey Day.