Saturday, August 24, 2013

The very first real NO

I knew it was going to happen some day soon.

It is a charmed young person who makes it to 13 years before being told absolutely not to her hearts desire. And that time has come.

I've shared with you in the past, of my summer night, lying on the driveway across the street from my parent's house when I was 13 and looking up into the falling star sky and swearing on those stars that I would never forget what it was like to be a kid. I don't think I ever have. I know it was a magic that created my lucky/cursed view of life. It enabled me to work with young people and share their feelings and help them make it through the jumble of emotions that constitute adolescence for over 20 years.

So you would think I would be ready for my own granddaughters heart break but...............when you have to be part of the blockade to her wishes, it takes on a whole different taste, feel and pain.

Everything is going to be fine but in the meantime, Sweet Man asked if he was the most hated man in the world now, because he said no to letting GK go to a before school starts party in the most dangerous section of town, with 4 boys and 2 girls, and none of us know the parents and GK had problems with some of these kids last year. To us (grown ups) it seemed kinda fishy that they would invite her to a party after being so hateful last year. To us (grown ups) it isn't worth the risk of driving through the most gang ridden part of our city where at least one drive by happens every weekend. To us (grown ups) we trust our GK, but don't know the others except by reputation. And most importantly.....we want to keep her safe.

But to her we are just don't understand. But we do. Gosh, I don't know how many of you have been through this but it is a fine line between wanting to protect them from themselves and rethinking how you got to this place. Shelley is such a good Mom. We try to back her up because she deserves our back up. And she even said last night that she was thankful that Sweet Man took on the role of the big bad no monster. But GK sure wasn't. She needs to work out the hurt, disappointment and also her own part in the drama. I trust that we will all be in a better place by this evening but it makes me pause and reflect on how hard it is to be where GK is in life. Finding out who you are, or want to be is hard work. Forgiving yourself, others and how you treat both afterwards are also a big part of growing up.

I never had the opportunity to talk things out with my folks. They said no and that was it. No discussion, no reasons, no thoughts, just no.

GK doesn't realize how fortunate she is that she is encouraged to voice her pain, frustration, anger and it is safe. She also doesn't realize, YET, that we only want the very best for her and want her to flourish and grow.......but she will some day. In the mean time, we will all endeavor to persevere.

Happy Saturday my lovelies, Oma Linda

17 comments:

  1. Oh, she will. She has a good loving support system and will realize that after the hurt has waned.

    My daughter said one rare time as a teenager, "I don't know why I don't listen to you, Mom, you're always right." I replied, "Because it's your job as a teenager to not listen and my job to keep telling you."

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  2. Saying no is a difficult task. Most parents and grandparents want to be friends with their children but that isn't what they need. A parent isn't a friend. You're much more than that and in time she'll come to understand this.

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  3. OOOUUUUUUU..I do NOT envy you... but Darn Straight you and Sweet man did the Right thing! It is the very difficult, mature, responsible, adult decision to say, "NO". That is why you are there (And GK loves you for it, whether she knows it this instant or not.) It would have been so easy to say, "YES!" and have hugs and smiles all around and wouldn't Sweet Man be the Best Buddy in the world! And then who knows what horrors would have ensued and everyone would need to live with That choice??!!! No, you and your hubby are NOT Buddies when it comes to things like this. You are first and foremost the wise Authority Figures that every kid should have, every kid Needs in their lives! YOu did so GOOD! And now GK will know she is loved and protected.

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  4. Sorry, Gk...Sweet Man is on the money! Dangerous part of town, unknown adult supervision, with others who aren't the nicest sort? Recipe for disaster.

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  5. I'd be very leery of that party invite too. When you're that age, you don't know how cruel the world can be or, even if you think you do, "it will never happen to me." Been there, done that myself. But luckily, I had a guardian angel, it seems.

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  6. you are all amazing parents!!
    We weren't even allowed to ASK if we could go somewhere...we should of already known it would be 'no', so if we did ask....chancla time.

    It might be a rough time for a while, glad you're keeping positive:)

    have a good weekend.

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  7. My mother and grandmother's heart goes out to you. It ain't easy for sure. Well written narrative. We got 4 daughters and 2 sons safely to adulthood. Now they are going through the same things with their kiddos.

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  8. Oh no! That is so hard when you have to absolutely put your foot down and watch their anger and hurt explode. It certainly does sound fishy to me too, and GK is lucky she has you all to watch out for her with your more experienced eyes. I know it will all work out in the end, and pray for as much peace as can come to the house of an angry teen. :-)

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  9. You shouldn't feel badly for making a really sound decision. That party reeked of possibly, really bad problems. I sure hope that one girl doesn't go alone.

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  10. Oma Linda, I am so happy Sweet Man said no! GK will come around! You guys were right to be concerned! Sending big hugs and lots of love! xoxoxox

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  11. As long as a No isn't a "because I said so" I have no problem doling those suckers out. My son tends to be quite the lawyer to state his case in the other direction, and I encourage discussion on the matter but even then there comes a point where "No...because I am your parent, I am wiser and I am here to raise you not please you". I have no guilt with that. I was never given reasons or had discussions either. I believe as parents (and grandparents) we are here to raise children not be their friends. The friends part comes when they are grown enough to make their own decisions, not when they are still kids who don't have a clue. Just my opinion. Does it suck? Sometimes, yes but parenthood aint' for the meek.

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  12. Loving a child is one of the most trying things in the universe. Even when you haven't had (yet) to say no to something they believe is the most important thing in the universe, as a grow up, you understand it's coming; because you've been there. You've been the child and you know the uglies that get inside the heart when someone told you "No way." And being the receiving end of those uglies isn't pretty.

    Thank goodness you've lived long enough to know that it won't be long... eventually GK will see what you meant. It will hurt a bit in the meantime, but then it will be okay.

    And the alternative is not even an option...

    Give SM a hug for me. And GK, too...

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  13. Ah, to be 13 again. I can still clearly remember those days, when "No" would fly and I'd be given no explanation other than "Because I said so". Still to this day, some 17 years later, I still hate, loathe and despise that phrase. It's so... demeaning of one's ability to comprehend. I applaud you gaggle of cuckoo grown-ups for inviting discussion, disagreement and a voicing of opinions. You are absolutely right, of course, that she may not understand now... but one day she will. And she will realize, when talking to others, how blessed she was to be treated with respect and honor for her feelings.

    Right now though, it will sting. But that invitation stinks worse than a fish market on a hot summer day. Hugs to all of you, and give that Sweet Man and extra big smooch for taking one for the team Being the bad guy is never easy, even when you're doing what's best.

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  14. Eek, hope the dust has settled by now!

    Hugs to all!

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  15. Oh honey, I SO REMEMBER those days that began with the whole teenage hormonal shift. My precious little "Mini Me" turned into a foot stomping to her room with a huff, while whining "where is the love in this house?!" drama queen. We all laugh so hard about it now, but at the time, to say it was trying, and painful, and some of the most difficult times would be an understatement. I know that each time her heart breaks, yours does as well, but I know, particularly in this situation, it had to be done. My love and support to you all. Mina

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  16. Oh yes... I remember what that was like. I heard no a lot in my childhood... but plenty of yeses too. When we're young we don't see what our parents are doing for us, but when we get older, and especially if we end up having children of our own, we sure do. It can feel bad saying no but even so, sometimes it's the best and the smartest thing to do. Those grudge tend to move on fast, thank goodness. ;-) (((hugs)))

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  17. Yep! Follow your gut and you can't go wrong. How old were we when we learned that?!? You did good. Good thing the NO came from Sweet Man. Somehow girls appreciate the "father" thing more but don't let on.
    xx, Carol

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