As I get older I have come to realize it is okay to say what you mean, so long as you mean what you say. Sounds easy I know but if you think about it....we spend a lot of time saying what folks want to hear not what we really feel. I learned that at an early age..... No not lying, just keeping the peace. In the family to which I was born, it was a battle strategy, not just a nicety. It was the house rules kinda thing.
My Mother being from "the south" and being from the era she was, always expected certain behavior and everyone suffered if her expectation was not met. She was as hard a nails, sharp as a tack and had a razor tipped tongue (notice the metal analogies) and could "bless your heart" quicker than anyone else I ever met (which by the way isn't always a good thing). You never ever wanted to be on Fran's bad side. Hell, the good side was scarey enough. Only a fool ran to the dark side with or without scissors in hand ya'll.
Be that as it may. I heard my Mother say to me on more than one occasion, "don't be ugly Linda Sybil", which means keep quiet about your feelings, our family business or what is going on and usually led to either a tirade concerning my inappropriateness or a trip to find a switch for my insolent behavior. And yesterday I could almost hear her admonishing me to go find a switch after I had dare to share my inner most thoughts. That just isn't done in polite society.
Well I had shared a meh, meh. I was being visited by the depression goblin and she had brought the whole tribe with her to scratch out my logic with self loathing. I just felt so............lost. And when I went back to turn off my laptop last night, my intention was to delete my comment so as not to "embarrass" myself further. Instead I was met with such lovely admonishments of love and understanding. I was humbled by open, caring people who let me just be me.
I had hoped, when I was diagnosed with depression, many moons ago, that by the time I reached my age (older than dirt) that I would have developed some stragtegies to ....... not go there. But alas, it is what it is. If you refuse to take the mood altering meds then you need to accept the fun of the roller coaster ride. I do take herbals, exercise, meditate and still act like Fran is on my shoulder telling me I can do better and keep quiet....unfortunately. Yesterday was a blessed day because through the fog of my old pal self loathing, I saw bright shining loving words that helped this olde broad heft herself out of the pit.
So here's to all the pit dwellers, I send you my love and hopes for bright shining love for everyone. Today will most certainly be a better one.
Happy New Moon my lovelies,
gotta fly, Oma Linda