But recently, the term "brush" took on a whole new meaning. I had to visit the hospital for an illness that my stubborn old self just couldn't get rid of. I had done all the things I knew to do and my husband just put his foot down and said we were going. Kicking and screaming, internally, I went. I just knew I would face another medico who would say I had a bad cold and could get what I needed in the over the counter department of my local pharmacy and pat me on my head and send me on my way as my primary care physician has done.
But that was not the case. In fact, as soon as they took my vitals and began the interview process I was rushed back to the critical care area and they put me on oxygen immediately. I was in fact very sick. Which, I must say, was almost a relief to hear someone else say. Odd how even when we know the truth it is sometimes the way it is delivered by someone else that makes all the difference in the world.
Then I met the most real person I have met in a very long time. There she was, a doctor who splits her time between Durango Colorado and Albuquerque. This just happened to be her last day in this location. How's that for the luck of the wicked? She asked questions about my life, my body, and then when we were working on the plan to implement medications she turned to me and said, "you know just in the few moments we have been sharing, I know that you are ill because of how you behave". Instead of my usual bristle to "authority", I was warmed by what she said. She continued by saying, that I am a protector, I use my heart and my body to shield those that I love and care about. And that is good and has a proper place but it was obvious that I didn't have enough of that caring and protection left to use on myself and the time had come for me to put me first. Not that I had to deny my "others" but that I must change my way of being in order to be at all.
It was like a lightning bolt that seared my soul. I knew what she was saying and I knew she was correct. I must change.
And that is what I am in the midst of doing.
I never wanted to be viewed as selfish. I never wanted to be viewed as self centered, so instead I went the other direction and gave myself away.....all the time. And it was not without cost or I must admit now, resentment.
Inside I have longed to play at arting. I have longed to do what I choose, not what is expected of me. I have yearned to find me in all of this chaos that is life. And frankly, there isn't a whole heck of a lot of time left to do so. Times a wastin'.
I have always found a reason why I could not do something because of something else that I put on myself as my duty. It will be a hard row to hoe but it must be. And those that accept it will and those that don't will look at me and wonder what happened to me. I hope someday they will understand, but if they don't, my taking time to explain wouldn't have been a good use of time anyway.
I'm off to practice the brush strokes that life has for me now. The truth is in the practice of it......at least that is what I am hoping for and trusting in.