Monday, July 14, 2014

A brush with the truth..........

I am a creative person. I have most all of my life "played" at art in one form or another. I truly began the process of finding my path when I was in college. I found out quickly that painting was not my forte. I sucked at brush strokes. I could not "get" technique. But I have always longed to go back and try again. I just never have taken the time or put in the energy to do so.


But recently, the term "brush" took on a whole new meaning. I had to visit the hospital for an illness that my stubborn old self just couldn't get rid of. I had done all the things I knew to do and my husband just put his foot down and said we were going. Kicking and screaming, internally, I went. I just knew I would face another medico who would say I had a bad cold and could get what I needed in the over the counter department of my local pharmacy and pat me on my head and send me on my way as my primary care physician has done.

But that was not the case. In fact, as soon as they took my vitals and began the interview process I was rushed back to the critical care area and they put me on oxygen immediately. I was in fact very sick. Which, I must say, was almost a relief to hear someone else say. Odd how even when we know the truth it is sometimes the way it is delivered by someone else that makes all the difference in the world.

Then I met the most real person I have met in a very long time. There she was, a doctor who splits her time between Durango Colorado and Albuquerque. This just happened to be her last day in this location. How's that for the luck of the wicked? She asked questions about my life, my body, and then when we were working on the plan to implement medications she turned to me and said, "you know just in the few moments we have been sharing, I know that you are ill because of how you behave". Instead of my usual bristle to "authority", I was warmed by what she said. She continued by saying, that I am a protector, I use my heart and my body to shield those that I love and care about. And that is good and has a proper place but it was obvious that I didn't have enough of that caring and protection left to use on myself and the time had come for me to put me first. Not that I had to deny my "others" but that I must change my way of being in order to be at all.

It was like a lightning bolt that seared my soul. I knew what she was saying and I knew she was correct. I must change.

And that is what I am in the midst of doing.

I never wanted to be viewed as selfish. I never wanted to be viewed as self centered, so instead I went the other direction and gave myself away.....all the time. And it was not without cost or I must admit now, resentment.

Inside I have longed to play at arting. I have longed to do what I choose, not what is expected of me. I have yearned to find me in all of this chaos that is life. And frankly, there isn't a whole heck of a lot of time left to do so. Times a wastin'.

I have always found a reason why I could not do something because of something else that I put on myself as my duty. It will be a hard row to hoe but it must be. And those that accept it will and those that don't will look at me and wonder what happened to me. I hope someday they will understand, but if they don't, my taking time to explain wouldn't have been a good use of time anyway.

I'm off to practice the brush strokes that life has for me now. The truth is in the practice of it......at least that is what I am hoping for and trusting in.

19 comments:

  1. What a wonderful epiphany! I hope your physical health is improving and yes, yes, YES do not ever be afraid to look after your own needs. As women, we are socialized to put everyone else first but ourselves. It has been a very dangerous message for our well-being. I'm so happy for you that you are going off on your own Journey to Yourself!

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  2. I wish I lived close by so I could teach you how to paint. Like most things in life it's mostly about attitude, and seeing. And I think you see very clearly. Hope you're feeling better soon.

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  3. Good luck in brushing up your life :o)

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  4. I am Praying for what is best for you!

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  5. Good for you!! And thank you for sharing because I really, REALLY needed to read this right now. ❤

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  6. As they say on the airplanes," parents put the oxygen masks on yourself first--other wise you won't be able to care for your children". Please do put yourself first and regain your good health.
    Thank goodness you caught that doc in time.

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  7. Oma Linda, I hope you health is improving and improving quickly. Have fun with your painting and Yay for you for doing something for you :-)

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  8. Glad to hear you are learning to give to yourself. You deserve it, you truly do. I hope you live long and prosper. I look forward to seeing what new things you allow yourself to delve into. Indulge.

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  9. First let me say that I'm sending Positive Healing Energies and Prayers your way for the Recovery Process. And Secondly, I can relate to this Post on so many levels that I could almost have written it myself! As a full time Caregiver to an ailing and disabled Spouse and raising two of our Grandchildren who happen to have Special Needs, I find that I have Sacrificed so much for so long that it clearly withdrew most of what I had in me with few, if any, deposits to replenish, nourish and Care for Self. You are doing the right thing Caring as much for yourself as you do all of those Loved Ones you are Protector of... and what an enormous Blessing to have found such a Wise Doctor that cut to the chase and told you what you needed to have revealed about why your body was rebelling! May your Artistic Haven replenish your Soul and assist you in regaining your Health! Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

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  10. I think your paths were designed to cross. I think you met this doctor for a reason and I'm glad what what she brought you was clarity. Not introspection or self-castigation, but to see clearly you need to do something for yourself. And hugs for Hubby, who did the right thing. Yes, do the arting. However you want to. We none of us have been given enough time, so start now.

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  11. Learning to paint with watercolor has been one of the most freeing and joyous additions to my life. It's my "me" time and whether the results are good, bad or indifferent I enjoy the creative process. Whatever you choose to do for yourself--enjoy, immerse yourself and laugh at yourself! Hugs!

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  12. I have heard of this before and the way I look at it is - My Momma used to say, "if you don't take care of yourself, how are you going to take care of others?" So, I have taken care of myself.....and then others. Your Doctor was most wise and you lucked out my dear when she handed you the beginning of the cure on a golden plate. Besides dear Oma, if you don't take care of yourself, we won't be receiving any more of your warm and loveable, interesting and witty including some silly post. Think, Act, Do :) lol

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  13. WOOHOO!!!!!!! Right...you are not selfish....you are reclaiming your right to be YOU. If those close to you can't accept it then that is their burden to bear(and they should be asking themselves how selfish they are being). Now get yourself a BIG scruffy brush...a piece of hardboard and PAINT...with whatever you have handy...you can buy posh stuff when you know what you want. Blessings for the speedy recovery that self focussing will bring you <3 XXX

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  14. Being blessed with a wonderful healer is your first gift. I hear you and more...Know comment from me on anything else as I'm guilty as SIN of all of it....But I do know the the first "No" is hard but the second " No" is easier!
    Take care of you, xoxoDebi

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  15. Sending hugs and positive energy your way. It sounds like you found the right doctor at the right time. The problem was allowing yourself to get sick in order to do it. Be well, dear Linda. For yourself first.. and for others. Hugs to you.

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  16. I hope that your health is improving and I love that you have a doctor who is so open to reality and not just someone who shoves pills down your throat. Those who really love you will understand and those that don't probably don't need to be in your life. I know how hard it can be to let go of those we love who don't love us enough to let us be ourselves. I wish good things for you!
    blessings
    ~*~

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  17. I am so happy for you Oma Linda ;o) Kick ass girl ;o) You are not selfish! You are taking care of you ;o) I can't wait to see what you paint ;o) Give a hug to your hubby for me ;o) Happy he made you go ;o) xoxoxox

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  18. Well, dear love, your brush just painted a huge smile on my face. I'm happy, happy, happy you're reclaiming your ALL!

    You are loved. ♥

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  19. Yes Oma! It is sooo easy to put others first...I am like you in feeling selfish if I want to do something for myself....even knowing my well being is important. Take time to listen to your own body as it heals and when you are well you will see the difference in how you feel. Use this as a gauge to when to say NO loud and clear. We all deserve nurturing and balance in our lives but we have to be the ones to keep it in check. Big healing hugs.

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