Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Forgiveness came just in the nick of time..................

Well once again it has been a long time since I posted.


I have been on a mentally healthy vacay from my normal life. It has been a hard journey, and I'm not finished yet, clearing away the flotsam of the past which is blocking the sailing on to the new one.


Looking back is something I have done all my life. I thought it was healthy to look back and then move on. What I didn't know was that I was looking back, hitching up the junk and hauling it on towards a future that I couldn't possibly fit all this crap into. I obviously was moving on with more than I would ever be able to carry and be healthy.


For those who have read my blog in past years, you know that my Mom and I didn't exactly have a golden relationship. She was of a generation that didn't dare spare the rod and spoil a child. This beautiful woman who I thought had all of her "stuff" together and who talked a good game of being independent and self assured was in fact a flawed human like the rest of us. I spent most of my life being afraid of her anger, terrified I would disappoint her and saying I'm sorry. Now don't get me wrong, I know was sent to my Mom's life to teach her patience, loyalty, loving kindness and to show her that not all children fit into a mold. I must have been a million nights of no sleep for her. I do know that to my face I was a huge disappointment to her and yet she bragged about who I was to so many people. She just didn't know how to say she cared.


I guess you can say that the Ms. Karma served me up for a woman who wouldn't (couldn't) communicate, reach out in a tender way, had a narrow sense of humor and wanted perfection not only in herself but in everyone else around her, most especially her children. Poor woman, never did understand my loud, boisterous, sometimes off color humor and lust for living. She also didn't see a child who needed so much more hugging and loving than she was able to give. The worst part is that she pitted her children against each other for attention. So that has left us estranged from each other all our lives. On her death bed she made my sister and I (my brother had already passed away) promise to not lose track of each other. But of course with years of hurt, we did.


Now I'm not saying any of this but for one reason and that is to clarify not the why of my guilt or my behaviors but rather to say that it is what it is.....my truth.


So when the doctors prescribed the exact same course of drugs for my breathing difficulties as my Mom had had because of her COPD, I literally lost my shit. Of course the prednisone fueled that fire and I ended up as close to Nutsville as I ever want to be again. But instead of staying there and keep revisiting the scene of my crime, I got help and have dug my head out long enough to say that I need to forgive my Mom for being less than I always wished she had been. And to begin to try to piece together my own unhealthiness with no blame or hurt. I am the cause of my own unhappiness. And yes it has always been my choice to move forward sans crapola but I didn't know that really, until now.


It is an amazing feeling to be able to look at pictures of my Mom and see what other people probably always saw, a woman with a beautiful face and soft green eyes. And I have written in my journal, many tender moments that I wouldn't allow myself, when I was in such a painful place, to bring back from the vaults of my childhood. The times when she was just exactly who I needed, a Mom.


This has also given me a chance to look at my behavior as a Mom and see the good and the bad and move on. I'm very fortunate that forgiveness of myself and others came just in the nick of time. I still have today to work on being who I have always wanted to be.......just me. And every day I get to do that is the biggest blessing I will ever receive.


There are no do overs, there are no should have beens, there are no authentic joyous life moments when you are weighted down with the hurt and pains of yesterday. So eventually you have to let it go...................hopefully before you have no todays in which to do so.


XOXO Oma Linda



14 comments:

  1. Like you, many of us have had difficult parents. While I always knew my mother loved me she was incapable of showing physical affection. When I got into a serious relationship with the woman who would become my wife she had to teach me how to be touched. I'd tense up if she so much as placed a hand on my shoulder. Hopefully we can look back and accept that our parents did the best they could.

    ReplyDelete
  2. well, yes, good for you. we have to leave our past behind especially when it is hurtful. I didn't have much of a relationship with my mother. she was selfish and self centered, didn't like small children, didn't like to be touched so you can just forget about any tenderness or affection. she was totally uninterested in being a grandmother saying she would have a relationship with them when they became teenagers. she loved teenagers cause I guess it was the best time of her life and she wanted to be perpetually 16 - 18. when I was born with my dark hair she rejected me saying I couldn't possible be her child because I was not blond. the nurse had to call my dad because my mother wouldn't let them bring me to her. so that's how my life with my mother started out. well, she's dead now and my grief at her passing was not for her but for what I could never even hope to have. eventually you have to let go of that shit though. instead I love and dote on my kids and grandkids.

    ReplyDelete
  3. We have parellels for different reasons but somewhat the same. I forgave my mother on her deathbed. But I have a sister I will never and can never forgive. I don't talk about the situation because as you well know, it brings it forward to the present. I'm OK with it locked away. If the breech causes her pain, well I call that Karma. The pain was a lesson learned for me of the kind of person I never want to be.
    Wishing you Peace and Serenity.

    ReplyDelete
  4. How well I understand! My mom was cold and uncaring and I guess somewhat jealous when I became a teen. She used to embarrass me and say things like, "I don't know what you are with her for. She's going to end up just like her father, a fat old drunk." Now, mind you, these things were said in front of boyfriends. It took me so many years to let it go, and even now, sometimes the pain will overwhelm me and I start to cry, wishing I could have another chance...and this time have it turn out differently.
    Mary

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hugs to you on your journey today and every day, Oma Linda.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am so glad you are developing a forgiving heart. It is the best medicine in the world for all our ails. I held on to resentment for about 30 years before turning loose, forgiving him and myself and for once feeling free. I do so hope you reach that place. It is pretty darn wonderful. Keep moving forward dear lady, so much good lies ahead.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow! You are so good at telling that.

    I too had a mom similar to that. She and Dad raised three over achieving woman who have no confidence at all. We experienced the same lack of recognition but knew in her own way she loved us all.

    We all still seek a good word instead of "that's nice but..."

    I would say your journey to healing is well begun.

    ReplyDelete
  8. May life continue providing answers, Oma. I'm sending you all kinds of hugs. (((♥))

    ReplyDelete
  9. To develop forgiveness and move on - I totally understand the pitted against each other, however; many years ago I just looked at the positive and moved on. Yeah, it wasn't easy, but we can do it - that is so wonderful about human life and the brain - we are capable of doing anything - we just have to WANT to do it, take the step and move on. Your background sounds familiar to my long forgotten past. I have a life filled with warmth, love, sunshine and silliness - playful and filling. Its the best life ever - wouldn't trade it for gold OMA - that's just how life should be and I made it there. YAHOO FOR ME......YAHOO FOR YOU KIDDO. lol n understanding :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. We should never underestimate that power of forgiveness. It's what allows healing to begin. What a fine start to your journey of healing. Hugs to you, Linda.

    ReplyDelete
  11. It's kind of fascinating to see how many of us struggle with the baggage we hold onto that was created by our relationship with our parents, be it mother or father. The most freeing moment of my life was when I realized that what my father thought of me was no where near as important as what I thought of myself. Hugs as you continue on your path.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Smart words Oma Linda. I am doing much growing this year. A lot of it has to do with letting go!
    Oma Linda, never forget what a blessing you are ;o) Big Hugs ;o)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Glad you've got your shit (or lack thereof) together again now! (((((HUGS))))

    ReplyDelete
  14. I just wrote about forgiveness. You are a beautiful person Oma, and letting go looks like a mountain to me. It terrifies me. I took my first step a day ago on my journey to letting go. I believe forgiveness happens organically but letting go requires work. To be able to forgive on your own shows how much growth you are experiencing. Love and hugs my adoptive Grandma.

    ReplyDelete

I love to hear from you. Thanks for taking the time to comment.