Well once again it has been a long time since I posted.
I have been on a mentally healthy vacay from my normal life. It has been a hard journey, and I'm not finished yet, clearing away the flotsam of the past which is blocking the sailing on to the new one.
Looking back is something I have done all my life. I thought it was healthy to look back and then move on. What I didn't know was that I was looking back, hitching up the junk and hauling it on towards a future that I couldn't possibly fit all this crap into. I obviously was moving on with more than I would ever be able to carry and be healthy.
For those who have read my blog in past years, you know that my Mom and I didn't exactly have a golden relationship. She was of a generation that didn't dare spare the rod and spoil a child. This beautiful woman who I thought had all of her "stuff" together and who talked a good game of being independent and self assured was in fact a flawed human like the rest of us. I spent most of my life being afraid of her anger, terrified I would disappoint her and saying I'm sorry. Now don't get me wrong, I know was sent to my Mom's life to teach her patience, loyalty, loving kindness and to show her that not all children fit into a mold. I must have been a million nights of no sleep for her. I do know that to my face I was a huge disappointment to her and yet she bragged about who I was to so many people. She just didn't know how to say she cared.
I guess you can say that the Ms. Karma served me up for a woman who wouldn't (couldn't) communicate, reach out in a tender way, had a narrow sense of humor and wanted perfection not only in herself but in everyone else around her, most especially her children. Poor woman, never did understand my loud, boisterous, sometimes off color humor and lust for living. She also didn't see a child who needed so much more hugging and loving than she was able to give. The worst part is that she pitted her children against each other for attention. So that has left us estranged from each other all our lives. On her death bed she made my sister and I (my brother had already passed away) promise to not lose track of each other. But of course with years of hurt, we did.
Now I'm not saying any of this but for one reason and that is to clarify not the why of my guilt or my behaviors but rather to say that it is what it is.....my truth.
So when the doctors prescribed the exact same course of drugs for my breathing difficulties as my Mom had had because of her COPD, I literally lost my shit. Of course the prednisone fueled that fire and I ended up as close to Nutsville as I ever want to be again. But instead of staying there and keep revisiting the scene of my crime, I got help and have dug my head out long enough to say that I need to forgive my Mom for being less than I always wished she had been. And to begin to try to piece together my own unhealthiness with no blame or hurt. I am the cause of my own unhappiness. And yes it has always been my choice to move forward sans crapola but I didn't know that really, until now.
It is an amazing feeling to be able to look at pictures of my Mom and see what other people probably always saw, a woman with a beautiful face and soft green eyes. And I have written in my journal, many tender moments that I wouldn't allow myself, when I was in such a painful place, to bring back from the vaults of my childhood. The times when she was just exactly who I needed, a Mom.
This has also given me a chance to look at my behavior as a Mom and see the good and the bad and move on. I'm very fortunate that forgiveness of myself and others came just in the nick of time. I still have today to work on being who I have always wanted to be.......just me. And every day I get to do that is the biggest blessing I will ever receive.
There are no do overs, there are no should have beens, there are no authentic joyous life moments when you are weighted down with the hurt and pains of yesterday. So eventually you have to let it go...................hopefully before you have no todays in which to do so.
XOXO Oma Linda