Saturday, January 23, 2016

When you peel the layers of the onion back and find out there is a hidden kumquat inside.........................

or something like that.

I've spent most of my life playing referee to person tennis. You know the person who is in charge of keeping the peace between rival gangs of family members. And the rest of my life being the one in the middle of the circle with everyone else being disgusted with my calls of the ball being out, or someone being out of control.

I have made happiness and being okay my main occupation. The pay sometimes has been pretty good but for the most part it has been slim pickin's. I have been happy on the outside and rotting on the inside.

In our family, I was raised to keep the bad things in our lives inside home and never let on that anything was wrong or less than perfect. When my parents died, I let the icky goo start oozing out of the cracks of my personality. The icky goo is toxic and eats away at the outside happiness to such an extent that there were huge holes with my bare self starting to lay open to view. As hard as I tried to mend those holes they became wider, deeper and more open.

That's how last weeks breakdown finally happened. I couldn't keep all the balls in the air, the secrets in check, my happiness surrounds broke down completely and I just couldn't take it anymore.

Funny how once the dam breaks, there are no means to keep all the icky goo from covering everything.

My husband, daughter and grands all are okay. I don't think they will ever really trust that it won't happen again, and I can't blame them. But they all understood the reasons why. They love me, broken or whole.

I burdened some FB friends with the statement that I had just had it and couldn't go on. That wasn't fair to them to put that pressure on them. Some of them called the police here because they felt my cry for help and with no great effort I was taken into custody (in front of a Baskin Robbins Ice Cream Shop) with Cherries Jubilee on my breath. I stayed in a mental health lock down for several hours until the medicos were satisfied that I had just blown a circuit not the whole brain and needed to talk to someone about my icky goo.

So for the past week, I have endeavored to learn how to live down the humiliation I caused myself, apologize for my behavior and try to find a therapist that will take my insurance. I haven't talked much because....there isn't much to say. I haven't done much because...nothing sounds interesting. But I did something good for me.

Momma Joy is the one in the front. Baby Bliss is behind.

They always are together.
I went to Animal Humane, and adopted a Momma cat I named Joy and her one remaining kitten, who I named Bliss. They need me. They need my loving attention and soft voice and easy approach to get them to be comfortable in their new surroundings. The other animals in the house need my reassurance that they are still important and loved by me. I'm standing in a circle that I can handle right now.

Chandler

Princess Chubs

Uma (queen of the castle)

Most of you will forgive my humanity and flaws, some of you will think how stupid it is for me to post about this and yes there are those of you who have been waiting for this icky goo to finally do me in, but you lose, this has only made me sharper and more aware that your kind lose everytime. Thanks for being my lovelies.

So, friends, I am only 1 cat short of a crazy lady six pack.

Smooches and Squoozes, Oma Linda

19 comments:

  1. I wondered. though I did message you. I don't know your details but I do know that family shit stuffed WILL eventually explode out. especially if you have convinced yourself that you have dealt with it. and it usually explodes all over those who do actually love you. so at least you didn't shoot $40,000 into your veins.

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  2. Awe, sending you all my love, Sweet Friend. It's so hard being in human skin sometimes.

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  3. Oma, it sounds to me like you know what is going on with YOU, and you have the ability to work it out. Being the peacemaker your entire life is a lot of pressure - it leaves little time for you to live your OWN life. I know - I've been the peacemaker all my life. I understand the keeping just about everything inside and there is nobody to go to with your needs because you spend every bit of energy keeping everyone else happy and in line. Albeit, it seems you have a happy life and a wonderful family. All I can say is take the time to care for YOU while caring for everyone else. I am happy you are ok. There is nothing to forgive. We are all human and we all have flaws. Remember that you are loved, Oma. ♥

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  4. "I'm standing in a circle that I can handle...: Now, that makes perfect sense to me and it's a good place to be. You've had such a terrible time, but you are taking steps to surround yourself with love, and to keep in touch with your wonderful sense of humor. Sending you warmth and encouragement.

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  5. Well, what can I say, but that in my view, and it's a pretty good and steady view, you have nothing to feel humiliated about, and nothing to be ashamed of, and nothing to apologize for. You were hurting, you needed some help. Guess what: What some disdain as weakness is actually TRUE STRENGTH. Falling apart is brave. Being strong despite being burdened and broken - I wish you could see this is LOVABLE and ADMIRABLE. I'm sorry that you were distressed, of course, but please, hold your head up and know that you are good, you are worthy, and you have the RIGHT to have boundaries and you have the RIGHT to hurt and be broken if those boundaries were crossed, just today or yesterday or years ago. I'll leave you with my motto: Keep on keepin' on.

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  6. Love you to death, no further apologies for being human and for having a meltdown, okay? Sh*t happens and perhaps it was a wake up call for everyone involved including those of us in blogland. Kitty therapy should be mandatory, methinks. Hope you find a good person to talk to (stupid insurance) that can help you deal with the icky goo. Shooting streams of positive energy your way along with hugs.

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  7. So sorry to hear about what you've gone through. I hope things improve and you can reach that peace of mind so important for creative people like you. Take care.

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  8. Such honesty. I'm proud of you.

    I came from "don't air your dirty laundry" and a fixer back ground myself. Always be in control of one's self and if not keep up appearances. I completely understand.

    I will be here no matter how mess it gets!

    Welcoming your new members to your household...and you never have to apologize for being human.

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  9. Broken did you say?
    I just happen to have some good strong glue...although the fumes might make us both giddy :o)
    So, fancy a spot of tea?

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  10. 5 furry friends :D so awesome Oma!!! I am so pleased about the cuckoo's home additions I almost forgot that it took a personal toxic meltdown to find Bliss & Joy!!! So ya know, like I'm thinking kindred spirits way, repeat after me, shit happens, we move on, and people still love us, because deep down, yeah we a totally flawed, but still slightly awesome & we are lucky enough to have people love & stand by us... frag Oma, I hope you got to finish that icecream, and I hope that you start to love you faults (if that is what you want to name them, I think maybe more personal accidental damage from toxic past interactions) anyway yes 'faults' & all... anyway, love you wise one (& getting wiser each day by the sound of it) and adore the extended family :) totally obscene amount of love from OZ xoxox

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  11. Big hugs to you, Oma Linda! Hopefully this will mark the beginning of a much better and healthier chapter for you and everyone at the Casa. I applaud you as you near the coveted CCL Six Pack!

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  12. There are so many things to say but none more important than "I'm proud of you"; for being human, for reaching out, for trying again, and for taking care of you. Shame sucks and it only truly exists in our own minds. So no apologizes for doing (and being) faaar more than anyone else in your shoes. Love (and joy and bliss) to you dear one and a whole lotto hugs.

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  13. Some of us tend to forget sometimes, "If you are travelling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your oxygen mask first, and then assist the other person". You are much loved, goo and all... and I think you should make it official and get CCL Kitty Number Six!

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  14. Oma Linda, I LOVE YOU!!! I am happy you got this icky goo out of you! This will mark a new happier you from now on! No apologies needed! I understand where you are coming from my friend! I really do! You know in 2014, I was at my lowest and still till this day, when I talk to the people who are closest to me, they really didn't think, I would have killed myself. And, you know, how I have been doing tones of reading about loving myself and being me and about how people control other people. Well, something happened today, again from someone close to me and I was proud of myself. I just let it happen. I didn't cry, I didn't feel guilty. I walked outside and kept repeating to myself, I love you Stacy! I have to tell you Oma Linda, if it wasn't for all of you, I don't know where I would be! All of you have stayed beside me! I mean that truly, because I really don't have anyone to talk to, around me. I will always be there for you!!! Love you!

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  15. I forgot to say, I love the two new fur babies! Give them all hugs from me!

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  16. You're human, don't apologize for that. There are so many people who aren't these days, that the few who let it show, even in it's ugliest forms - are to be treasured. As one person who's had to 5-0 pick up to another, it's terrible when it happens, but you've got some very good friends in your corner. As Dumbledore would say, they're courageous. 5 points a piece to Gryffindor.

    I'm glad that you've found a universe you enjoy being at the center of, and that more purrfectly lovely souls will benefit from your love. We love you.

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  17. Breathe deeply and know you are loved. What you have been through may have been scary but I feel you have found solid footing and support. You are stronger and more self aware than a lot of people I know but don't be afraid to lean on those you love. Bless you for taking those two kitties in need. They will return your kindness tenfold.

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  18. big giant {{{{hugs}}}} to you!!
    blessings
    ~*~

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  19. That family dynamic sounds all too familiar.
    Sorry you had to go through all that.

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