I've spent most of my life playing referee to person tennis. You know the person who is in charge of keeping the peace between rival gangs of family members. And the rest of my life being the one in the middle of the circle with everyone else being disgusted with my calls of the ball being out, or someone being out of control.
I have made happiness and being okay my main occupation. The pay sometimes has been pretty good but for the most part it has been slim pickin's. I have been happy on the outside and rotting on the inside.
In our family, I was raised to keep the bad things in our lives inside home and never let on that anything was wrong or less than perfect. When my parents died, I let the icky goo start oozing out of the cracks of my personality. The icky goo is toxic and eats away at the outside happiness to such an extent that there were huge holes with my bare self starting to lay open to view. As hard as I tried to mend those holes they became wider, deeper and more open.
That's how last weeks breakdown finally happened. I couldn't keep all the balls in the air, the secrets in check, my happiness surrounds broke down completely and I just couldn't take it anymore.
Funny how once the dam breaks, there are no means to keep all the icky goo from covering everything.
My husband, daughter and grands all are okay. I don't think they will ever really trust that it won't happen again, and I can't blame them. But they all understood the reasons why. They love me, broken or whole.
I burdened some FB friends with the statement that I had just had it and couldn't go on. That wasn't fair to them to put that pressure on them. Some of them called the police here because they felt my cry for help and with no great effort I was taken into custody (in front of a Baskin Robbins Ice Cream Shop) with Cherries Jubilee on my breath. I stayed in a mental health lock down for several hours until the medicos were satisfied that I had just blown a circuit not the whole brain and needed to talk to someone about my icky goo.
So for the past week, I have endeavored to learn how to live down the humiliation I caused myself, apologize for my behavior and try to find a therapist that will take my insurance. I haven't talked much because....there isn't much to say. I haven't done much because...nothing sounds interesting. But I did something good for me.
|Momma Joy is the one in the front. Baby Bliss is behind.|
|They always are together.|
|Uma (queen of the castle)|
Most of you will forgive my humanity and flaws, some of you will think how stupid it is for me to post about this and yes there are those of you who have been waiting for this icky goo to finally do me in, but you lose, this has only made me sharper and more aware that your kind lose everytime. Thanks for being my lovelies.
So, friends, I am only 1 cat short of a crazy lady six pack.
Smooches and Squoozes, Oma Linda