I've spent a lifetime apologizing for things I have done, I haven't done, I forgot to do, I never knew I was to get done and for not being who others expected me to be. I am a dyed in the wool people pleaser.
I have in the past few weeks since my "episode" kept rather quiet and walked on egg shells, as they say, so as to not upset anyone or anything. It is very tedious work and I'm only adding to my burden of self-doubt by not speaking up or holding back when I should just say what I am feeling. Gawd, life is a hard one to travel correctly.
But then what exactly is correct? What is good for one is hell for another. I hope I am making sense. I'd hate to confuse yet another person. You see, I'm very good at that as well. I think. I speak., I sometimes have not thought through the complete result of how my words will be received. I say one thing and yet I'm really thinking something close to that thought but "no cigar".
I hurt some of you with my declaration of "I'm done". I never meant I wanted to die, I meant, I can't go on doing the same thing in my life over and over and not being understood, respected, listened to. I was running away. I really was. I was going.................I don't know where, but away for awhile so that I could get my thoughts all lined up and my words in the correct order so that I could tell those people that I live with and love just how I felt so that they could stop making me feel less than I should be made to feel.
I won't apologize for being really me because it's taken me more than 50 years to reach a spot in time when I feel I can be, should be, deserve to be. Now if I could just get the wording down so I don't scare the hell outta folks.
xoxo Oma Linda