Tuesday, February 9, 2016

I won't apologize..................

I've spent a lifetime apologizing for things I have done, I haven't done, I forgot to do, I never knew I was to get done and for not being who others expected me to be. I am a dyed in the wool people pleaser.

I have in the past few weeks since my "episode" kept rather quiet and walked on egg shells, as they say, so as to not upset anyone or anything. It is very tedious work and I'm only adding to my burden of self-doubt by not speaking up or holding back when I should just say what I am feeling. Gawd, life is a hard one to travel correctly.

But then what exactly is correct? What is good for one is hell for another. I hope I am making sense. I'd hate to confuse yet another person. You see, I'm very good at that as well. I think. I speak., I sometimes have not thought through the complete result of how my words will be received. I say one thing and yet I'm really thinking something close to that thought but "no cigar".

I hurt some of you with my declaration of "I'm done". I never meant I wanted to die, I meant, I can't go on doing the same thing in my life over and over and not being understood, respected, listened to. I was running away. I really was. I was going.................I don't know where, but away for awhile so that I could get my thoughts all lined up and my words in the correct order so that I could tell those people that I live with and love just how I felt so that they could stop making me feel less than I should be made to feel.

I won't apologize for being really me because it's taken me more than 50 years to reach a spot in time when I feel I can be, should be, deserve to be. Now if I could just get the wording down so I don't scare the hell outta folks.

xoxo Oma Linda

19 comments:

  1. The moment you have to apologize to friends and family for being yourself, you must start analyzing your friends and family. We can't live (or survive) around people who feel that being us is too scary or some sort of mistake. That just won't do. ♥

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    1. As always, thank you for getting me. You are a rock star in my world. xoxo

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    2. Magaly wove the words better than I ever could, and she's spot on. I'm still working to get to where you are in the being who you are department, and my words are often muddled, but when someone makes me feel like I need to apologize for being who I am right now (tomorrow I may be different), then that's on them. xo

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    3. Ms. Danni, I feel like I have watched you blossom in the knowing who you are department lo these many moons we have shared as sistas. My words were misunderstood by some and over reacted to by others. But all of it was done in love. Love is what it is love. One size does not fit all nor do reactions. xoxo Oma Linda

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  2. You deserve to be just who you want to be. I heard.

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    1. I also deserve my buddy that I have in you and am so proud of us.

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  3. It seems you've charted some untraveled territory, but so far you haven't scared me off.

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    1. I'm so glad that my crazy isn't that scarey......thanks

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  4. Just be who you are. I love you that way.
    Mary

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    1. You make me happy as happy can be Ms. Mary. I love you too.

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  5. Never explain - your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway.

    Elbert Hubbard

    He was right.

    No one likes to hear my next remark: Sometimes people you love aren't good for you, and wish your CORE SELF to be different, and if you can get away from them in an orderly way and an honorable way, you should consider doing so! Now, to take my own advice!

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    1. Oh deep down inside we all know what is best for us....sometimes putting distance between what is wrong and what is unknown is too scary to cross the chasm. I get ya dearie.

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  6. I'm sorry that the law enforcement in me responded to the literal words instead of the frustration. Back in the day it was easier to say, oops, I over-reacted than "I'm so sorry for your loss." I truly hope that the day comes when you can open up, rant and rave and be heard, understood and respected. Hugs.

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    1. No sorrys necessary between us. You did what you did out of love and concern. You dun good. I needed what happened to me to happen so that I can be who I am to be. That is a lifelong lesson. xoxo

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  7. You can only be who you are and you shouldn't feel like you have to apologize for being you. I totally understood the "I'm done." I've been there and said it myself and things went through major changes. stop walking on eggshells and start walking with determination.

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    1. Oh I am walking with determination but some things are best left unsaid and paths unwalked upon in order to keep life at least bearable. I choose to find the funny and fun loving Linda around the next bend in the road, the one I used to laugh at and enjoy. Thanks Lady, xoxo

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  8. Oma Linda, I just read through all your comments. Everyone has said the perfect words to you! We love you! Be you! No apologies needed! I personally think what Magaly said, was the best words! As you know, we are going through similar things this year! I thought it was going to be easy! No way! LOL! But, we will succeed! Big Hugs!

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  9. I agree with Magaly and Linda, I like you just the way you are. I like who you are. If I lived closer to you, we would be friends. Friends should understand you. Family should understand you. When both do not, take a real look at what is being said or done to you. Unfortunately, not everybody can be on the same page always, but they can understand and accept you. Trust me kiddo, I understand only too well as there were some "walking on eggshells", I had to let go of. Sometimes life is just "sucky" until you let go of certain "eggshells". I think you are a hell of a nice lady and I so enjoy your posts and have grown to know your family virtually. Life is so much more fun when you choose the sunny path and leave the misery behind. Take care kiddo.

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  10. Damn right you shouldn't spend your life worrying about everyone else. If others were confused and panicked they need only check in with you, not stress you out further. I had assumed you were going off line for a while to "de stress" and refocus. Guess there's just no rest for the wicked lol :D XXX

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