Tuesday, September 18, 2018

I've been on the back burner....simmering for quite a few years

If you came for one of my regular silly or boastful about the grands post, ya might want to hold off readying this one. It ain't pretty. Good ending, horrible middle.

If I don't write this down today, at this moment, I know that I will chicken out and not let go of this horror. completely. One of my therapist from long, long ago would say "let it out and run like hell so it won't catch up with you". I can't run. Not anymore.

Someone who is very close to our family was molested by a classmate not long ago. When I heard about it, my first reaction, of course, was to be angry. Then I wanted to know the situation. Then I started feeling sick to my stomach. A bit of an overreaction to what has become too common place in our country.

Honestly at my age, you'd think I'd be able to pick up on cues from my body when life gets to be too much, but I am unaware of things until it is too late to stop and pause. So I was physically ill for this dear sole and her situation started to work it's way into my thoughts and with it brought memories.

First in my dozing time before sleep, then in my alone time trying to calm myself from the storms of the day and finally as I waited for Shelley to arrive so that we could visit and do some moving of the junk I hold dear during the past two weeks.

So much so, that it became impossible to hold in my hurt and anger from my own molestation ridden past and I broke down in front of one of 4 people I swore I would never burden with my "story". My beautiful, caring, nurturing daughter. Who after today will for ever be my hero.

The straw that broke the camel's back was this latest allegation of sexual impropriety in the news concerning the candidate for supreme court. My Sweet Man were watching the news this morning when he made a comment about the story and I took offense at my perception of his cavalier attitude and came un fricken glued all over him. As I'm fussing at him, even I was wondering why I was so upset, I was shaking, sweating, got a little blind and almost passed out. Sweet Man and I worked it out and I awaited Shelley's arrival. But holy cow, I hear stuff like this every day, why did it upset me so this morning?

I certainly had no intention of ever telling anyone about my reoccurring abuse from someone she knew when she was a youngster. This person came into my life in college, made a revisit in my mid twenties and came back in my late thirties. I had stuffed that bit of information in my "never tell anyone what happened file" because I had been fearful that the abuser could make good on his threats and would come after my family because he already made good on this threat. So much so that it ultimately cost me a good paying job years ago.

But all of my emotions, physical reaction and my lack of being able to stuff the horror away again brought me to a place that I'm sure every person in the "Me too" movement and many, many more feel each time they are confronted with the pain that comes from hearing that this plague just keeps on infecting woman and men no matter what. So I let part of my history come out of me.

It scared me. It hurt me. It made me sob like I haven't in a very long time. BUT............

Sitting here 4 hours after telling my daughter what a horrible person I thought I was when she was so young and hear her say that I have always and will forever be her rock, her idol, her beloved Mother no matter what, gave me the courage to let her know all of the "ugly and horrible" truth of my history, I am calm for the first time. I do mean ever.

My abuse started when I was 5 or 6. My father was a monster but not the only one. In my life, I have been sexually abused by 9 persons. It's almost as though once you are wounded by sexual abuse, you are marked like a wounded animal in the midst of a gathering of lions. I felt that way each and every time one of my abusers attacked me. Powerless, small, vulnerable and an easy mark.

After today, since I spoke my truth for the first time in my adult life (I tried when I was a kid, but no one heard and I internalized that lesson for the remaining 6 decades), I feel better. I never wanted to enumerate my pain. I never wanted to burden my child with my less that stellar past.....but her voice (a soothing mother to me, which I missed out on as a child) gave me.......a whole different life view.

I'm a good person with flaws, hurts, pain and issues because I never got this ugly out of me so I could heal. Today is the first day of truth on the outside not killing me from the inside.

I can heal now.

I can forgive myself for my mistreatment of  me.

I can .................I hope that my old ways will not limit my can into a corner again.


Thanks for reading.

Smooches and Squoozes,
Oma Linda




15 comments:

  1. You are a wonderful person and nothing from your past, especially nothing that you were a victim of, changes that fact. I am glad you were able to unload that awful baggage. May you run like hell from the pain and straight on to unburdened healing. As in, running like a kid toward a rainbow after a storm. xo

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  2. I'm so sorry their was NO one you could go to, I. know, families help secrets to the grave in past generations. Yes, everytine I hear these stories on the media, I am envious of those who can hold press conferences on the matter.
    You be well, you have raised beautiful young women,, a fine young man. Thankfully, generations will be better, if not more I powered to bring these dirtbags to justice.
    I'm happy your day ended lovingly! xoxoxoxo

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  3. Your abusers made you carry that secret burden of pain, shame and fear all these years by yourself, and today you told them all to go to hell. May the light of day comfort and heal you, Oma Linda. Your story is the story of so many, many girls and women. You are not alone. May the Goddess bless you.

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  4. There are far, far too many of us in the #MeToo group. And way too many of us that kept it hidden thinking we were at fault. This is a brave post. Brava, my dear. Hugs from afar.

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  5. Oma you are a Rock in so many lives despite carrying this huge burden all by yourself XXX Your post is perfectly timed to make a difference to another young life now living under my protection. I will share it with him tonight.....he is a friend of my youngest from college, and Manthing asked if he could come stay for a couple of weeks as his Gran was throwing him out. Turns out she has been physically and mentally abusing him all his life(mum away in forces, dad unknown). After 24 hours under our roof he is now here permanently, a new brother for Manthing. I have not been allowed near his Gran (your age), but other friends from school and college have been helping him move his stuff here as soon as they knew he was safe. She even sold his computer and pets within 24 hours of him coming here (yes she is a hateful old mare). Yesterday he referred to going back to "Gran's House" to collect some other bits and pieces.."because this is his home now" *I choked up*. I am encouraging him to talk about stuff that she did/allowed to happen to him as openly as only our family seems to be able. I hope I can be as wonderfully "mothering" as Shelley and help him move on while he is still young so he can have a happy and fulfilled life. Love you to bits XXX

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  6. well, holy cow, Linda. I'm so glad you finally got that poison out of your system. down with the patriarchy!

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  7. So glad you were finally able to tell your story to your daughter. She is a good one with which to share as she loves you so much and will do anything for you. She wants you to tell her your history. It is so much a part of who you are. And so glad that it helped you. So wonderful. Love to you and her...

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  8. The horror is that the abused too often is made to feel guilt and shame when it is the abuser who should suffer. Opening that vault I hope lets you heal. You have carried it all too long. Hugs and healing wishes coming your way.

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  9. I wasn't physically abused but my father would try to get views of me naked especially in my underwear. My counselor told me that was also a form of incest. Then when I was 18 years old I went to a party and had a bit too much to drink. I ended up being taken to the woods and gang raped. In those days it was always the fault of the woman. I was drinking so it was my fault. So I kept quiet for all these years. My shame was so great I actually blocked it from my consciousness. I understand why women kept quiet and get angry when I see a woman call the women in the 'Me Too' movement liars or say why didn't they come forward earlier. They just don't understand our pain. I commend you for your courage. My family still does not know.

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  10. My lovely Lindy,
    Please give yourself a big hug from me.
    Then give your beautiful Shelley one from me too.
    You two give old jaded one's like me, hope.
    'So shines a good deed in a weary world' :o)
    I have emailed you sweetheart
    -Cee xxx

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  11. The day we stop feeling outraged, disgusted, and hurt over a person getting sexually molested would be the day all hope is lost. Your reaction, with reason, was more intense... All those years living with those horrors... I am so glad you've let it out here, I am glad your daughter told you exactly what those of us who love you wish we could tell you face to face. Healing can take such a long time to begin at times. But once it does, the rest is so much better...

    You are loved, my precious Oma.

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  12. Oma Linda, you are a beautiful woman, that has been there for so many! I am so proud of you, to let this all out! Sending you so much love, that you may heal now and hold your head up high, because you did nothing wrong! Big Hugs!

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  13. You are an incredible treasure of a human and you have always been.
    to have carried this burden and still be there for your family is incredible.

    love you:)

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  14. sorry for the hurt and self imposed shame you carried for so many years. But I'm so proud of you for finally beginning to purge it from your system. Glad you have such a wonderful support system in place in your family, you are so fortunate in that. You are a very brave woman.

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