If you came for one of my regular silly or boastful about the grands post, ya might want to hold off readying this one. It ain't pretty. Good ending, horrible middle.
If I don't write this down today, at this moment, I know that I will chicken out and not let go of this horror. completely. One of my therapist from long, long ago would say "let it out and run like hell so it won't catch up with you". I can't run. Not anymore.
Someone who is very close to our family was molested by a classmate not long ago. When I heard about it, my first reaction, of course, was to be angry. Then I wanted to know the situation. Then I started feeling sick to my stomach. A bit of an overreaction to what has become too common place in our country.
Honestly at my age, you'd think I'd be able to pick up on cues from my body when life gets to be too much, but I am unaware of things until it is too late to stop and pause. So I was physically ill for this dear sole and her situation started to work it's way into my thoughts and with it brought memories.
First in my dozing time before sleep, then in my alone time trying to calm myself from the storms of the day and finally as I waited for Shelley to arrive so that we could visit and do some moving of the junk I hold dear during the past two weeks.
So much so, that it became impossible to hold in my hurt and anger from my own molestation ridden past and I broke down in front of one of 4 people I swore I would never burden with my "story". My beautiful, caring, nurturing daughter. Who after today will for ever be my hero.
The straw that broke the camel's back was this latest allegation of sexual impropriety in the news concerning the candidate for supreme court. My Sweet Man were watching the news this morning when he made a comment about the story and I took offense at my perception of his cavalier attitude and came un fricken glued all over him. As I'm fussing at him, even I was wondering why I was so upset, I was shaking, sweating, got a little blind and almost passed out. Sweet Man and I worked it out and I awaited Shelley's arrival. But holy cow, I hear stuff like this every day, why did it upset me so this morning?
I certainly had no intention of ever telling anyone about my reoccurring abuse from someone she knew when she was a youngster. This person came into my life in college, made a revisit in my mid twenties and came back in my late thirties. I had stuffed that bit of information in my "never tell anyone what happened file" because I had been fearful that the abuser could make good on his threats and would come after my family because he already made good on this threat. So much so that it ultimately cost me a good paying job years ago.
But all of my emotions, physical reaction and my lack of being able to stuff the horror away again brought me to a place that I'm sure every person in the "Me too" movement and many, many more feel each time they are confronted with the pain that comes from hearing that this plague just keeps on infecting woman and men no matter what. So I let part of my history come out of me.
It scared me. It hurt me. It made me sob like I haven't in a very long time. BUT............
Sitting here 4 hours after telling my daughter what a horrible person I thought I was when she was so young and hear her say that I have always and will forever be her rock, her idol, her beloved Mother no matter what, gave me the courage to let her know all of the "ugly and horrible" truth of my history, I am calm for the first time. I do mean ever.
My abuse started when I was 5 or 6. My father was a monster but not the only one. In my life, I have been sexually abused by 9 persons. It's almost as though once you are wounded by sexual abuse, you are marked like a wounded animal in the midst of a gathering of lions. I felt that way each and every time one of my abusers attacked me. Powerless, small, vulnerable and an easy mark.
After today, since I spoke my truth for the first time in my adult life (I tried when I was a kid, but no one heard and I internalized that lesson for the remaining 6 decades), I feel better. I never wanted to enumerate my pain. I never wanted to burden my child with my less that stellar past.....but her voice (a soothing mother to me, which I missed out on as a child) gave me.......a whole different life view.
I'm a good person with flaws, hurts, pain and issues because I never got this ugly out of me so I could heal. Today is the first day of truth on the outside not killing me from the inside.
I can heal now.
I can forgive myself for my mistreatment of me.
I can .................I hope that my old ways will not limit my can into a corner again.
Thanks for reading.
Smooches and Squoozes,