I promised rainbows and unicorns but......the package never arrived

I have been fine. But just fine. I can't seem to reach happy or look forward to anything. My health has deteriorated along with my mood. Go figure.

I told you about my awful, terrible, horrible experience on my daughter's birthday at her house. Let me back that up with telling those who don't know my Oma story. Shelley came home in 1999 to have her first baby. GK arrived in May 2000. She then married the baby's daddy in 2003. They all lived with us at our old house until Sweet Man and I moved in with my father because we were afraid he would burn his house down. Seemed like the thing to do.

The three of them lived in our house until "he who lost all rights to being called anything except it", decided he needed to go back to South Carolina "where folks know how to treat each other and you don't have to deal with as many Mexicans. I should mention now he meant me, 1/2 hispanic, 1/2 southerner, 1/2 nice person, 3/4 not nice when I am blamed for something I had nothing to do with except when I caught him in so many lies and pointed them out to him. Oops my bad. So right after GK's birthday in May of 2007, they moved to SC. Shelley and both kids GK and Ry who was born in 2004 moved back there. Then they asked to move home in 2009 because he proved to be exactly what he was.

Anyway, for the next 10 years they lived with us. I got to do the best job in the world with, for and about my grands and I was in high corn, as they say. I loved every moment of Oma time I had. Then Shelley found the man of all of our dreams Brian. He is a dear man and Sweet Man and I love him very much. And she moved out to a brand new house, new marriage, new town (only about 35 minutes away) and I was having a new opportunity to do some longish distance grandparenting.....or so I thought.

Now Ry has consistently been the same, Except for the fact he is over 6 ft now but just as loving as ever. GK on the other hand has been wounded by the last few years, including a diagnosis of bipolar. I have told you before that if she had not been diagnosed I would not have questioned my own actions throughout the years and realize that I needed meds too. I was so happy to have some help settling my brain. It's an ongoing job but I'm much more level if that helps explain it. But, I've lost my granddaughter to: it's a multiple choice answer, who I thought was always going to be the crazy bread on either side in the sceptic sandwich that are the three of us, me, Shelley and my soulsister GK.

I missed Shelley when she went away to college, to work in Mississippi and when they all moved to SC so much I hurt. But this is even worse.

I know I must be patient, kind and wait.

I know I will always love her fiercely.

But part of me knows that what I should be doing is just let her fly away as that appears to be what she wants me to do.

I have hated the first part of May most of my life. My Mom's birthday and Mothers Day are always within a week to 10 days apart. Never could please Frances. She was a hard woman. But then when GK was born on Cinco de Mayo, I had a reason for 20 years to celebrate.....this year when she is turning 21, not so much.

I don't want any sorrys or platitudes cuz I do know all of you care. I want each one of you on "May the 4th be with you" to send prayers, thoughts, spells, wishes to GK on her 21st on the 5th, so that she may find her way safely through this time in her life.

Lovelies I knew I could count on each of you. You know how much I love her.

Smooches and Squoozes, Linda