Healing. Rabbit, Rabbit, Rabbit, good luck to us all March 1, 2021

It's been such a long time since I've shared my thoughts and hopes with all of you. That was because I had no idea how to convey what was in my heart and head. It's been a few years since I have really felt like myself......or what I perceived myself to be......or longed to be. I have been serving other masters new and old, other agenda, other peoples needs and when that ended......I was lost. When Shelley and grands moved out, I couldn't find my sea legs. I had been school bus driver, snack maker, confidant, mediator, and all around Oma. 

I took a class that a dear friend invited me to take. It was a very interesting look into 'snot only runes but also "our feelings" in connection with those thoughts. The past, the future, the now were all touched upon with the aid of the runes. The participants were to share. I sat back and watched others hoping I would have a clue as to how, what and how in depth I should go with my answers. 

Funny thing happened, my heart shoved my head outta the way and I ended up saying things that I hadn't thought of in years. It was bizarre and completely disarming. At the next to last session we were to list the things that we wished for from a list of things that "troubled" us or called to us. My list included things I had put away to make room for what life duties had for me to do and how I would like to recapture some of those endeavors again. Then we needed to list the reasons why we felt we needed or wanted them. It felt selfish, ego centered and foreign. At the end of my presentation the instructor who has to be one of the kindest, feeling, genuine people I have ever encountered said the word "Deserved" is one of the words I needed to include in my list and I just lost it. I couldn't even bring myself to attend the last class. It really flipped me out.

Derserved??? Even typing it now gives me the shakes and my stomach knots up. I have never felt that I deserved many good things in my life and the bad things that came to me, oh those I deserved for sure because my parents did a bang up job of giving me huge amounts of guilt about not being deserving. It was then that I shut down again. 

But within a couple of weeks I started seeing how my inability to feel like I deserved things I wanted, started to percolate and formulating in my heart and I began chaffing under the controls that I had allowed to override me and allowed everyone and everything elses needs should come first. I had confused being kind to someone else before making sure I had enough self love to really give some away. 

You all probably know that I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Dr. prescribed me some "get better meds" but I was still fighting a life long battle with little or no self confidence about my importance in my own life. You also know that both of my girls also have the gene that allows us to go to the dark side with or without company. At this juncture I am apart from both of them. It is my choice.

I went to my daughters 50 birthday party, saw my granddaughter and squeezed her very tightly and whispered to her, "I've missed you so much". She acted like I had shot her and all evening she looked at me as though I had spit on her or asked her to commit some horrible crime. That night I came home hurt, angry, crying hysterically and wounded. I bitched about it for days. Then the strangest thing happened.

I was visiting with my dear friend and she was going to see her friend, the teacher of the class, after we finished our "chin wagging" visit. At the mention of this lovely person's name I had an instant flash. I said something that triggered GK, I don't think I will ever be able to find out for sure but I feel that because she hadn't visited when she said she would, I unintentionally  made her feel "less than".

I will forever be sad that I did, but I can't fix what's wrong with us alone. I can't make my daughter not be resentful of my actions. And I can't continue to feel guilty about my lack of being a perfect or suitable person in their lives to go back and take the behaviors that I have ignored but not forgiven from our interactions with one another. I have put my foot down about that and will not be maligned when I use the wrong words, or feel disappointed when they don't even show up when they say they will come to visit, not keep their stories straight about life and expect me to keep tap dancing when the music is obviously a tango. I know it will be a fair amount of time until I have gotten my inadequacies in check. And I hope this time apart will allow all of us to reflect and use the time to heal.

But I do realize, I deserve to be treated with respect, love and honored for being a grown ass adult with feelings and desires of my own that should be given credence freely, happily and in real time. I too know that I must change my behaviors with my girls so that I do not hurt them again. 

Joe and I counted how many times in a normal conversation with each other that I say, "I'm sorry".  Would you believe 21? There is no one that needs to feel that is their position to live in......the sorry lane?????

I know it is harsh to say so but.................someone told me I deserve peace and she doesn't even really know me. I have folks who like me for me. 

New thoughts, new hopes, new beginnings and some fall out to manage but I will endeavor to perservere to remain strong in my new head space??????

Thanks for reading. I can absolutely guarantee that next blog will be about happier things happening for Joe and I.

Blessings, Linda