Realizing I don't belong

I've shared with all of you that I am manic depressive and bipolar. I've known since I was a youngster that I didn't think like other kids. I always thought that was a bad thing and in college after a rather severe head injury, I lost my ability to think abstract thoughts as rapidly as I did before. When I married Joe, I knew I was smart but not the way I expected to be by age 25. When Shelley my daughter had her first child, I found a purpose, a place I belonged. Intellectually I was stimulated by the needs of my grands. I invented, pretended, played and joined them in their childhoods. I became more able to fiqure things out and felt smarter for having been their Oma.

A little over 2 years ago, my daughter married a wonderful man and moved to a new home. At the time, I realized that I was to find a new job. A new way of thinking, being, doing. It was hard to move on without my grands. So I made it my job to find new ways of being so that I could remain in their lives. But as much as I tried, I wasn't needed anymore. No longer was required. I lost my job as an Oma.

Well, yes reader, I did know they would grow up and I would be less involved but 3 weeks ago, I was fired again and I didn't behave very well. I was hurt, felt betrayed and lost. And because GK misunderstood my intention, Shelley's family no longer is my extended family. GK got hurt when I said "I missed her so much". I know because I voiced my truth that I caused my granddaughter to feel guilty. That wasn't my intention....and yes I realize that doesn't count when I hurt her.

After feeling sorry for myself and being ugly. I realize that I needed to make amends but I can't. I have been blocked from saying anything to both the grands because it will cause more problems and I can't call, text, mail or communicate at all.

Besides feeling rejected, guilty and hurt. I am now to find a way to live as though they never happened, for their sake. Just because I let them know I miss them? Just because I had a fit and GK heard me on a private call to her mom. I have nothing to be here for.......anymore.

Yes, Joe and I are trying to find a new paradigm......where do I go to find it or shop for that? Where do I find comfort? How am I to go forward knowing I hurt my soul mate. I always thought that GK and I were the crazy bread in the stubborn sandwich that was our family. Now, forgive the pun, I'm toast.

I promised that this would be lighter than the last post but I guess I lied. Nothing is real, matters or will help the ache in my soul. 

Joe and I will keep on keeping on until we find the place we can begin again sans what used to be.

I have two dear friends who are living through this as well. If it weren't for their wisdom from having been there and still are.....I would be totally without a tether right now. I need new meds, new focusing and new self healing plans, 

I enrolled for the Masterclasses and will attend some classes here in Burque and hope it distracts me from what I view as absolute hell. 

Prayers, good thoughts and any wisdom you might have for me would be welcome. 

Smooches and Squoozes, Grandmaster screw up, Linda